Annie's Dating Blog

If you're not sure where it's headed...

Dear Annie, Mike and I have been dating for a few weeks. He seems interested, calls me often and we have a great time together. But, I'm not sure where it's headed and I don't want to waste my time. I do want to know that he's not dating other people—I'm not—and that he's interested in our having a future together. When is the best time to have "the talk?" Lilly

Dear Lilly, One of the biggest budding relationship killers is the pressure and sense of potential desperation created by one person's premature need to know where a new relationship is going. As you spend time together and your relationship progresses, its direction will become obvious to both of you.

In the meantime, rather than initiate a conversation about the direction of your relationship, extricate yourself from your early, and potentially one-sided desire for commitment.

Don't stop dating others until you've agreed to be exclusive

Until Mike asks you to be in an exclusive relationship, it's imperative for you to continue dating other men.

Don't worry that you are being disloyal: if you don't have an agreement that you're exclusive, it means that each of you is free to date others. Continue to enjoy his company as well as that of other men.

A man has no incentive to commit if you are already giving him everything he needs. If he knows that you're always available or if you hold yourself accountable to him, he has no reason to ask you to be exclusive; because he knows that you already are.

If after a couple of months, he doesn't ask for a commitment, let him go. Tell him something along the lines of, "I really like you. But, I have a feeling that we're not looking for the same thing. I want to be in an exclusive relationship that's moving towards long-term commitment. And, it seems like you may want something else. So, no hard feelings, but I think we should stop seeing each other so that we can both find what we need."

If he wants a future with you, he will let you know. But, in the meantime, don't commit to someone who only makes you an option.

Should she ignore his message?

Dear Annie, Al and I had connected online. But, when we met in person, I felt that he wasn’t right for me. I declined his offer of a second date. He sent me a disturbing text this morning. Part of me wanted to reply and ask him not to contact me anymore. But, another part of me is concerned that my response would inspire him to send another message. What is the best strategy to use in order to get him to leave me alone? Suzanne

Hi Suzanne, He may be contacting you because he believes that you declined the date because it was inconvenient, but didn’t actually understand that you had no interest in moving forward.

If you believe that you may not have been clear in communicating your feelings, it’s time to do so. Pick up the phone and call. Telling someone that you don’t want to see him again via text message is a surefire way to amplify the pain of rejection. Testament to the fact is a recent informal survey I heard on a Slate podcast, where 50 percent of the participants felt it was OK to reject someone via text message, but none said that they would feel comfortable if they were on the receiving end.

It’s best to let him down in a kind, honest and unambiguous manner. Apologize for not being clear when you last spoke with him. Tell him that, while you appreciate his interest and time, you feel that you are not a match. Wish him the best of luck in finding a woman who is a better fit. If you made it clear that you were declining his second date because you didn’t want to see him again, ignore his text. If he continues to contact you, send a single message asking him not to contact you.

In the unlikely event that the texts don’t stop after that, inform him that if he doesn’t stop, you will contact the police. Follow through if needed.

Dating is confusing for everyone. Men get mixed messages about how to pursue women. Often, they find that persistence pays off in courtship, so they continue to follow through until they get a clear message that the object of their desire is not available.

The art of saying "no" without hurting his feelings

Hi Annie, I'm a fifty year-old woman who just started dating after the end of a twenty-three year relationship.

The men I'm dating are becoming physically affectionate much too quickly. My last date wanted to hold my hand in an overly affectionate way. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but didn't know how to handle it without hurting his feelings.

I need to allow chemistry to build slowly. How can I respond to this type of situation in a diplomatic way? Susan

Susan, Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. Expressions of physical affection are only appropriate if they are welcome by both participants.

Most men will respond well if you are kind, honest and playful when you tell them that they are moving too fast. Those who don't respect your wishes are unlikely to honor you in other situations; so it makes sense to interpret disrespect as a sign that you should move on.

Make the assumption that he's getting physical because he likes you. He'll probably respond best if you reinforce his romantic feelings as you set your boundaries.

I suggest that you use this three-step technique. You can use this method to deflect most unwelcome attention, but I'll use hand holding as an example.

The key is that you deliver it with a flirtatious smile and a friendly tone of voice. Say:

1. "I really enjoy touching and holding hands in a romantic way. It's such a great feeling."
2. "But it takes me time to feel comfortable when I'm just getting to know you. I need to take things slowly. I'm not ready yet."
3. "I'm so looking forward to feeling like I know you well enough to feel the kind of chemistry it would take to make me comfortable with this. I'm really enjoying your company."

Keep smiling, withdraw your hand and change the subject, while you maintain the friendly tone of the conversation. The key is to discourage his action without accusing him of acting inappropriately. If you give him positive attention, let him know you like him, and signal that there is a possibility of mutually enjoyable physical contact in the future, his feelings will likely emerge unscathed.

Most men expect to be told "no" at times during courtship. The key is doing so in a playful, generous and compassionate manner. 

How to increase your chances of finding The One

Finding love is the top New Year's resolution for most single people over fifty, according to a recent Huffington Post article. If want to vastly increase your chances of a lasting romance, plan to do things a little differently in the coming year.

Resolve to:

1. Become open to a variety of new possibilities. The love of your life may well look different then you have previously envisioned. When you fall for someone right away, your connection is likely to fall apart within a few months.
2. Rather than becoming invested in the outcome, accept that it takes time to discover if someone might be your true love.
3. Spruce up your appearance so that you're more likely to attract interest. Don't leave home without looking your best.
4. Get out and meet new people every day. Show a friendly interest in others, vary your schedule in order to find the best times to interact with people who may be of interest and ask friends for introductions. Use online dating sites to meet potential dates who you wouldn't ordinarily encounter.
5. Approach new introductions and dates with open expectations and a positive attitude. Rather than trying to ascertain if he or she is "the one," ask yourself if he or she is a possible new friend. It's unrealistic to expect that someone who you are just getting to know is an absolute "yes;" they are either a "no way" or a "maybe."
6. View attraction as an opportunity to discover if you're compatible, rather than as a signal that you must immediately pursue a relationship. As you become better acquainted, you'll have opportunities to see whether both of your actions indicate that you have similar values and relationship goals.

If you choose to adopt these resolutions you are likely notice a difference in your love life within a short time. If you need support, my coaching programs have helped hundreds of people. Please contact me for a consultation to see if coaching is right for you.

Are men just waiting for women to pursue them?

Dear Annie, Please tell men how to treat women. Lots of guys say they want to date me, but don’t bother to take the initiative. They wait for me to pursue them. Why can’t they take action?

How quickly should you expect a response to your online dating email?

Hi Annie, I'm an energetic entrepreneur from Down Under. I've been in the U.S. off and on for a few years now and am finally settling in. I am doing online dating and have continued to be frustrated that women do not return my emails or texts within 24 hours. It feels disrespectful. I don't treat anyone that way, either professionally or personally. I'm looking for the same respect in return: at a minimum. Should I keep my high standards or should I change my views? Thanks, Frustrated!

How long should you date before taking down your profile?

Dear Annie, I met Al online a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember ever experiencing such a profound initital connection.

He's not ready for a relationship

Dear Annie, I just had a difficult conversation with Jill. We dated for a couple of months, and she asked where our relationship was going. I reminded her that I told her, on our first date, that I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

I seemed like a great first date...

Dear Annie, Mike and I had a wonderful first date. We talked about everything. We both want to get married and have kids. He makes good money and lives in a great neighborhood, so I'm sure he'll be a great provider.

She wants an emotional commitment before they sleep together

Dear Annie, Where can I meet a man who is not in a hurry to have sex? I tell the men I date that I need an emotional commitment beforehand. But if I don't sleep with them after a few dates, they break up with me. Stephanie

Making sense of men and dating

Men...if they were easy to understand, would you be having so much trouble when it comes to bringing a good one into your life? I'll be demystifying men and dating at a talk for women only in conjunction with the Singles Supper Club on September 12. Men will join us for a mixer afterwards.

Why first dates should be more fun

Are your first few dates often fun meetings where you're becoming better acquainted with someone new? Or do they always feel like pop quizzes?

Pay attention to his actions

If you have to ask if he's your boyfriend...he probably isn't.

Most men express how they feel through their actions. If he wants to be your boyfriend, you'll know, because he'll treat you well. You'll never have to wonder what he's thinking, because he'll be there for you.

Attraction: influenced by appearance

Attraction is visual, so if you're looking for love, make sure that you're looking good whenever you encounter people! This is easier said than done. The other day, I needed a locksmith when I was not looking my best.

Annual survey reveals men's trends

If you have ever wondered what goes on in the minds of men, a popular men's lifestyle website gives you plenty of food for thought in their recently released 2011 Great Male Survey.

Can a short man find love?

Dear Annie, I am a very short guy, around 5'3", and find it hard to date. The last woman I dated was 5'4" and wore heels. Should I worry about the height factor? Dan

Want to discover the best ways to meet and attract men while minimizing drama?

I'm sharing some of my dating secrets in a 45 minute talk at 11AM this Sunday, July 24, in Foster City. These are techniques that I have taught my clients to use as they find lasting love.

He's tired of being alone

Annie, I'm an ordinary guy, and I know that women are not looking for me. It's been over ten years of nothing and I am sick of being alone. Ron

How can a regular guy attract women?

Stan is an intelligent, attractive and kind man who wants to be in a committed relationship. His biggest challenge has been that he believes he's not interesting enough to attract women.

She worries that his appearance will turn her off

I was at a dinner party when Alexis asked, "How can I find out if a guy is circumcised before I waste time dating him?"