Annie's Dating Blog

Money and Dating

Dating is about creating the possibility of romance, connection and the potential for lasting love. Nothing takes the romance out of dating more quickly than behaving as if it's a business transaction or a meeting with a friend. Honoring courtship's traditions helps to set the stage for passion and romance.

First dates are usually fraught with anxiety. The most common worries are whether your date enjoys your company, if the conversation will flow easily and if there will be an opportunity for a second date. The most awkward feeling is often the uncertainty that arises when the check arrives.

A man may want to pay and worry that if he does so, his date might be offended. Alternatively, he may feel that her right to equal pay means that she should pay her share.

A woman often believes that his paying for a date is a sign of his generosity--both financially and emotionally. She may also feel anxious if she doesn't offer to pay.

Using this strategy will help you to keep the romance in dating

Paying For First dates:

• Men: Don't arrange a pricey first date if this is your first meeting. Save that for later, as you're getting to know each other better.
• Insist on paying for both of you unless she absolutely won't allow it. If she offers, tell her that it's your privilege to take care of the bill.

• Women: Offer to pay your share. If he declines your offer, thank him for his generosity.
• If you don't want to see him again, insist on paying your share. After all, his generosity is a romantic gesture--don't accept it if you're not interested. It sends the wrong message.

• Everyone: Never, ever pick the bill apart, dividing it into who ate/drank what. If it's noticeably off-balance, the person whose share is more expensive should offer to pay more or it signals that he/she is willing to take advantage of others.

Paying for Dates Before You're in a Relationship:

• The person who asks should offer to pay.
• The other person should offer, and expect, to chip in.
  • For example: A man asks a woman out. He pays for the main event. She offers to provide dessert and/or drinks.
  • Another example: He's paid for two or three dates. At that point, she insists on treating him or preparing a home-cooked meal.

• Men: don't interpret an invitation to dinner as an implied invitation to her bed. Dinner and sex are two different things.

Paying for Dates When You're in a Relationship

• As you enter into a relationship, it's important to have a frank discussion about how each of you expects to share expenses. In the long run, it's vital that your attitudes about money are compatible. 
• Some men enjoy paying for everything throughout the course of a relationship, regardless of how much the woman makes. In that case, it's best that she provide special treats on a regular basis.
• Some couples split expenses or divide them according to each other's income. Others play it by ear.
• It's all about what feels fair and comfortable to both of you. The important thing is that you're both honest about what you want. There is no right or wrong way to do it as long as you're up-front about it.

The most important thing to remember is when your date pays your way, immediately express thanks and appreciation--and repeat at the end of the date. It may sound obvious, but I hear an increasing amount of complaints about not being thanked. Nothing kills a romance faster than lack of gratitude.

Question: I'm considering dating several men at a time because it may increase my chances of finding love. But, I worry that it might backfire and create problems. What do you think: is it a good idea, or should I just forget it? 

See my video reply below:

 

Annie, I recently discovered that my boyfriend, Barry, is seeing another woman.

When I confronted him, he said that he didn't know why I was upset, as we had never agreed to be exclusive. We were in touch almost every day, and saw each other several times a week for four years. We spent holidays with each other's families. There was no reason for me to think he was seeing other people.

Obviously, I'm moving on—he completely lost my trust.

How can I avoid this situation in the future? Marissa

Marissa, The short answer is that you should continue dating others until both of you verbally agree to an exclusive relationship.

Before you do so, it's vital that each of you understands what exclusivity means to the other.

• Does it imply that both of you are hoping to build a future together?
• Does it mean that you're only dating each other until one of you becomes interested in someone else?
• Or are you only dating each other for now, with no further expectations?
• Are you agreeing to short-term exclusivity in order to enable a sexual liaison?

 

Timing is everything

If you're like most women, you're likely to want exclusivity sooner than a man. While it might feel right to stop dating others after a few dates, it's not wise. He's more likely to pursue exclusivity if he sees that you enjoy meeting others and are happily living your life. Don't make him a priority if he is only making you an option.

If he doesn't ask to be exclusive within a few months, back off. Tell him that, as much as you enjoy spending time together, it doesn't look like you're seeking the same thing. Then say goodbye. Although there is a small chance that he'll pursue you further, it's far more likely that he'll move on because he was never interested in an exclusive relationship with you. You'll be glad that you continued dating others.

If one of you isn't ready

It's best if you allow the man to set the pace of your relationship. He will happily ask you to be his one-and-only when he's decided it's what he wants.

If you ask a man to be exclusive and he's not ready to do so, he's likely to feel pressured into a premature decision. Most guys will feel compelled to break it off in order to protect you from even more pain in the future.

If a man who's interested asks you to be exclusive and you don't feel ready, he'll usually be patient while you make up your mind. Otherwise, he's probably just sexually attracted.

Focus on the quality of your budding relationship and keep seeing others until both of you are comfortable discussing where you're going.

You've finally met someone you find attractive, fun and flirty. Conversation flows effortlessly between the two of you. Your connection is magnetic, and it feels natural to gravitate towards sex. That's when things start to get confusing.

If you're a man, you're likely to want to go for it.

If you're a woman, you're interested, but you're probably wondering whether it's too soon. Maybe you don't want to put him off in case it will cause him to reject you. Or, perhaps you can't figure out if he's only interested in you for sex. 

Men and women see chemistry and attraction differently

• When a man feels great chemistry, it means that he's physically attracted--he wants to have sex. Additionally, it may mean that he's attracted to a woman's personality and wants to explore a deeper connection. During the first few dates, it's almost impossible for her to tell the difference. This is because he knows that he must charm her with romance if he wants to increase his chances of having sex.
• For most women, great chemistry means that she feels a physical and emotional attraction. She'll want to have sex because she finds him irresistible: she likes his personality, finds him fun and engaging, and is likely to want to explore a possible future.

Just for men

• Men are more likely to be successful in seducing a woman if he takes it slowly and properly interprets her "I want to be closer signals" before taking the next step. Timing is everything
• If he wants to stay out of the Friend-Zone, he needs to let her know that he's romantically interested from the start. Flirty, respectful touching lets her know you're intrigued.  Avoid hovering. Leave her wanting more.

How to tell if he's only interested in you for sex

• A man is physically wired to want to have sex with a woman he finds attractive. If he's not interested, he won't ask her out. When he pursues her sexually, he's not misbehaving or being a creep, he's being a man. It's up to her to decide whether or not to move forward. 
• A woman often tells a man what she's looking for during a first or second date. If he's only sexually attracted, she has just told him what she wants to hear--and he may use her words to seduce her. He may not consciously try to deceive her--but his sex drive may convince him that it's a good idea.
• A man usually weaves his truth into a conversation early on. "I'm probably not ready for a relationship." "I'm not sure what I want." He's not likely to mention it again because he thinks that she's accepted his limitations. If a woman believes that he'll change his mind later she's likely to pave the way for pain, drama and uncertainty.
• As a man ages, he's more likely to have a greater degree of control over his sexual impulses. It's not that he doesn't desire sex. He's more likely to consider consequences.

It's up to a woman to discover his intentions and act accordingly

If she thinks about her previous relationships and explores how having sex influenced future decisions, she'll be better able to set her own boundaries:

• After having sex, do her feelings usually change from attraction to attachment? If so, she should put off sex until she's sure he's exploring the kind of relationship she wants. She'll usually figure it out after five to eight dates. If he's only interested in sex, he'll be long-gone.
• What does she automatically expect after having sex? That she's in a relationship? That it's OK to date others? That she can expect more from him? It's a mistake for a woman to assume that having sex will change anything for him.
• What caused her to reach the point of no return? Kissing? Petting over clothes? Under clothes? Take it from there... It's best if she doesn't allow him to get to that point until she's satisfied that they're moving towards a mutually beneficial relationship.

Don't believe sex and dating myths

There are too many to mention in one blog post, so here are a couple of them.

• Myth: If she doesn't have sex by the third date, he will reject her.
• Fact: Holding off on sex until later is a great way to discover if he only wants her for her body. If his goal is only to have sex, she'll have to say good-bye as he pursues easier pickings. If he cares for her, he'll continue to pursue her sexually, while being patient while she makes up her mind.

• Myth: If they share a great sex life, he will go from being only physically attracted to falling in love with her.
• Fact: Men fall in love for entirely different reasons. Sex is important, but he can enjoy a fantastic sex life without falling in love.

Play it safe

• Don't avoid the STD talk. Have the discussion in a situation that's not sexually charged. It's best if it's at a natural parting point: at the end of a meal, walk, etc. so that it's easy to leave if one of you needs to think about it.
• No matter what your age, insist on using condoms until you've been tested, after being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship for at least three months.

Understanding how the opposite sex experiences sexual attraction gives you the tools to make confident decisions as you become more intimate.

Sex has a way of changing everything. Enjoy the journey.

Do you want to meet single men or women who are looking for romance? Speed dating is a great way to meet ten to twenty available single people face-to-face in one evening.

What to expect

Usually participants are matched by their age groups. Men and women are seated facing each other. They're usually given three to eight minutes to chat. When the bell rings, participants discreetly note whether that prospective date is a yes or a no. Men rotate seats, and repeat the process until everyone has met in person. The coordinator forwards contact information to mutual matches.

When you're participating in a speed dating event, you'll discover that each of your "dates" has different conversational tactics. Some stick to fun topics, such as vacation plans, interests, favorite movies, etc. Others ask more difficult questions.

How to handle awkward questions with ease

Your best strategy is to give an ambiguous reply and let your "date" know that you're available. Then, reassure your "date" that he or she will find out more when you are better acquainted—(if, indeed, you do meet again). Then change the subject.

Sample questions and answers:

Q. How long have you been single?

A. I'm ready to date and hope to find the right (man or woman). I'd be happy to tell you more as we get to know each other. What's your idea of a perfect vacation?

Q. Why did you get divorced?

A. It was best for both of us. We're on good terms now. I'll tell you more as we get to know each other. What do you like to do in your spare time?

After discovering that you never married:

Q. Why haven't you ever been married?

A. I've been in serious relationships, but we decided not to marry. I hope to find the right (man or woman) to marry soon. I'll tell you more as we get to know each other. What was your favorite activity when you were a kid?

After discovering that you're a widow/widower.

Q. How long ago did your (partner) die? What happened?

A. It's a long story. I hope to meet someone special who wants a future with me. This is something we could discuss more as we get to know each other. What do you enjoy doing on weekends?

It's unrealistic for your "date" to expect to exchange such intimate information during a first encounter--whether it's speed dating or a first date. After all, there is no need to discuss it when many of the people you meet won't be a match.

Try speed dating. It's fun and a great opportunity to meet someone wonderful.

How to Ask About Your Relationship Without Scaring Him Away

Are you dating a wonderful man, thinking about a future together and hoping he feels the same way? Should you ask if you're his girlfriend? Or, whether your relationship is leading to something long-term? Or...if your relationship is exclusive/committed?

If you're like many women, you may worry that bringing up any of these topics will scare him away.

But, it's more complicated than that--timing and how you ask makes a a difference. At the very least, wait three months--and keep dating others until you know what's going on.

I recently made this video for YourTango which delves into the details!

http://www.yourtango.com/2012169507/if-i-have-ask-about-commitment-are-we-not-relationship-video

Wishing you a wonderful, happy 2013 filled with love!

Does your boyfriend's platonic friendship with his ex confuse you? Or, worse yet, do you feel like he is deceiving you because he secretly wants to resume their relationship? Or that she is plotting to get him back?

The best way to send him back into her (or someone else's) arms is to demand that he stop seeing her in order to make you happy.

Discover how to handle their friendship in a positive and proactive way that protects your relationship by watching this Guest Expert Video I made for YourTango.com.

Harness his passion when he flirts with others!

If your boyfriend's flirting behavior triggers jealousy, try viewing it in a different way. It's likely that you'll increase the attraction and passion in your romantic relationship.

Make sense of his behavior and what to do about by watching my dating advice video on YourTango.com.

Dear Annie, I am completely discouraged by Match.com. I only get responses from undesirable men. I can't find anyone who is worthwhile contacting.

I think a very clear and common pattern has emerged on Match. Men don't want to get to know an average-looking, middle-aged woman. The only women I know who are having success are beautiful, blonde or skinny.

I don't think I have it in me to play this dating game. Men are annoying and weird at best. Suzanne

Hi Suzanne, Most people who try online dating become discouraged from time to time.

1) Remember that online dating is a way to increase your opportunities for meeting single men. You will meet far more men if you are online.

2) Finding a compatible partner takes time. Hoping that you will meet the right man right away is not a realistic expectation. Most of your correspondence will not lead to romance. But, you are more likely to meet a great guy because you are actively exploring possibilities.

3) Having some undesirable men contacting you is par for the course. It doesn't mean that you are flawed. You aren't doing anything wrong simply because you are attracting them. All you can do is decide to respond to those who seem worthwhile to you. Then, unclutter your searches by blocking the others.

4) If you meet one decent man online every month, that is one more man than you would have met if you weren't online. So, try to meet men in other ways: through friends, classes and social events. Only about twenty to 25 percent of couples meet online--so it's not a magic bullet. But it can bring you more opportunities for love.

5) Beware of judging eligible men by their spelling ability. This causes many women to miss out on great men. One of my most eligible bachelor clients couldn't spell if his life depended on it. He's successful, charming and kind. And, he's ready for a commitment. He uses an iPad, which doesn't have a spell checking function, for most of his match correspondence.

6) Avoid the temptation to rule a man out by his photo. Most online photos leave a lot to be desired.

7) Once you decide that men are "annoying and weird at best" or "creepy," you are likely to view all men through that filter. You'll be less open to the possibility that there are good men out there who can appreciate you for who you are. Remember the first rule of magic: "Whatever you focus your attention on becomes your reality." When you believe that good men are not interested in a woman like you, you are likely to discount those who may want to meet you.

Online dating is simply a tool where you can meet men of all sorts. People online have as much in common with each other as do kids at a public high school. Each man is on the site for his own reasons. Each one is in a unique place in his life and is interested in women with different characteristics.

You can't really discover much from an online profile. But, it's a great way to find men to meet in person.

Dear Annie, I met Jay on an online dating site a couple of months ago. We see each other once or twice a week. I'm totally smitten with him. I think he feels the same way, but he's not the kind of guy who tends to verbalize his feelings.

We haven't talked about dating each other exclusively and I'm reluctant to bring it up. How can I discover whether he wants to have a committed relationship? Jessica

Take time to get to know each other before you bring up the subject of commitment

Jessica, Your relationship is likely have a stronger foundation if both of you take a few months to sort out your feelings before dating exclusively. This will give you the opportunity to discover whether you're really compatible with each other. You'll also get a better sense of how you treat each other as you become more comfortable together.

Some couples drift into exclusivity without having a discussion beforehand. However some find that having an assumed commitment precipitates a nagging sense of jealousy or insecurity. If you're like most people in a budding relationship, you will want to know where you stand.

Plan to communicate in a way that will create the best possibility of success

So, if you've been dating for several months and you're not sure where your affair is going, communicate your feelings in a gentle, honest and non-judgmental manner. Plan to be open to any outcome, because you can't know how it's going to turn out before you hear what he may have to say.

Timing is crucial. Plan to initiate your conversation before a natural parting time, such as the end of a meal or activity.

Resist the temptation to bring up the subject while you're engaging in sexually charged behavior. That may make it impossible to have an honest dialogue or could give him the impression that you are being manipulative.

Approach your conversation with an open mind

Your conversational attitude must be calm, friendly and matter of fact. Convey that you care for him and simply want information. Make sure you can be laid back and receptive to his response no matter how he replies. Resist any temptation to give him a sales pitch, cry or argue.

Say something like "I really like you. But, I'm at the point where I need to know if this is something that's going to stay casual. I have a wonderful time with you and don't want my emotions to be out of sync with what is really going on."

Then wait and patiently listen to everything he has to say in response, so that you know what he's thinking.

Prepare a plan of action for all possible outcomes

Before you have your talk, think about what your general response would be to any of his likely answers.

• If he says he wants to move into an exclusive relationship, plan to celebrate.
• If he says he likes things the way they are and doesn't want a further commitment, be prepared to calmly walk away immediately after your discussion.
• If he says "I'm not sure," tell him that you need to back off and that you plan to continue to date other people. Say that, under the circumstances, you're not comfortable with your current level of physical intimacy. Then back off immediately. Don't spend the night together. Let him know, by being less available, that you plan to make him a lower priority. Don't threaten him or give ultimatums.
• If he says "I need more time," ask him how much and ask him to initiate revisiting this discussion. Explore what each of you thinks you will need in order to make a decision. Let him know that, in the meantime, you will back off emotionally and physically and continue to date others until he makes up his mind.

If you have to talk him into a commitment, he's not available

If you need to convince him to commit, it means he's not available.

Most single men and women are open to a mutually loving relationship—with the right person. Remember that a premature commitment after only a few dates is as meaningless as no commitment at all.

Dear Annie, I’ve been dating Jim for a month.  I slept with him on the third date. Ever since then, he’s been backing off and contacting me less often than he was previously.

Do I continue to get in touch with him as if nothing happened? Or should I wait until he reaches out to me?  How can I tell if he is feeling as uncertain as I am? Carol

Feeling uncertain is part of dating

Dear Carol, It’s likely—and appropriate—that both of you are feeling uncertain about where your relationship is headed. After all, you’ve only been dating for a month. You have slept together before you had a chance to establish much of a dating and communication pattern.

Sex changes everything

The experience of sexual intimacy usually changes things for everyone involved. Women often become more attached and tend to feel a need to create a closer bond. And men are likely to need some distance as they consider the long-term impact of potentially becoming intimate.

Like many men, Jim probably needs some time to be on his own before he feels free to continue to pursue you. And, you need to allow him the space to figure out what he wants, rather than initiating direct contact. with him As long as you’re seeking him out, he has no reason to get in touch with you.

How to handle him backing off

Stop initiating contact. Accept that he’s likely to have a different sense of timing than you than you might want. And, if you pressure him into making a decision, you are likely to lose him as a romantic partner

When he wants to get in touch with you, he’ll do so. Don’t hesitate to respond to his calls, texts and emails in a positive manner.

Don’t quiz him about how he feels or why he’s pulling back—if he doesn’t volunteer that information, it means he either doesn’t know or is unwilling to share.

How to become more comfortable with uncertainty

While women are most likely to share their feelings by talking, most men express what is going on inside by how they behave. So, if he’s taking things more slowly, it may mean that you need to back off emotionally.

Shift your focus from Jim to the other things in your life. Don’t wait for him to take action before you make plans with friends. Participate in activities that bring you joy. Don’t behave as if you are in a committed, long-term relationship when you are only exploring that possibility.

If not knowing where you stand makes you anxious, redirect your energy. Go for a walk or run, take an activity class—such as dancing or sports—that includes exercise, or become involved in something else that interests you.

Continue to be romantically available

Continue to date and explore potential relationships with other men, unless you and Jim have already verbally agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship. If that is the case, I suggest that you get to know other men as platonic friends while he figures out what he wants.

You can never tell where a dating relationship is likely to lead during the first few months. In the meantime, your best bet is to allow Jim to set the pace.

Dear Annie, I've been seeing Larry for a while and have been under the impression that everything is going well. But, I became incredibly upset when I recently discovered that he is still active online. How can I tell him that this is unacceptable without driving him away? I am anxious to get this resolved as soon as possible! Lois

Lois, How you approach the situation depends on what you and Larry have agreed upon. Have you verbally committed to date only each other? Did both of you promise to take your profiles down?

If you haven't discussed these issues, it's reasonable to expect that he may still be interested in dating others. Your best bet is to ignore his online activity.

You should also ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship in which you have a one-sided commitment. If that is the case, you don't need to break up. Instead, choose to date others unless he wants to become exclusive.

If you have decided to date exclusively, but not agreed on how to handle your online dating activity, it's possible that he's "just seeing who is online." It's not unusual for a man go online to view women's profiles without intending to meet in person.

It's usually best to allow him to stop cruising online dating sites without pressure from you. One of my former clients wanted me to see what a great guy she was dating. She asked me to take a look at her boyfriend's profile after they had been dating for a few months. I discovered that he had been active within 24 hours. I didn't mention it to her because she was happy, he was treating her well and I didn't want to cause unnecessary anxiety. My strategy paid off as they are now married.

If you have agreed that you are exclusive and that neither of you will use online dating sites, you have the right to initiate a discussion about his activity. But, please use caution. Just the fact that you're aware that he's active on the dating site may cause him to accuse you of spying on him or to wonder if you are using the site to meet other men. It's easy for this conversation to end badly.

So, if you must bring it up, rather than put him on the defensive, wait until you have calmed down. Then, mention how you discovered his online dating activity, and listen to what he has to say. Maybe he was checking out a profile for a friend. Perhaps you misunderstood each other.

In general, monitoring any of your beau's behavior can lead to unnecessary drama. If he's treating you well and lets you know that he's interested in exploring the possibility of a future together within the first couple of months, it's usually best to show him that you trust him by allowing him to choose when he wants to stop online dating.

Dear Annie, I spent the last several years in a long-distance relationship that didn't work out. At first, we believed that we were perfect for each other. But he gradually pulled away and it took me more than a year to realize that there was no way that he would ever come back.

This has reawakened my desire to find love. I don't want to become involved with the wrong man yet again. I'm fifty-two. I worry that I don't have a lot of time left before I'm no longer attractive enough to date. Sheila

Sheila, The good news is that you don't have to worry about becoming too old to find love. A recent Match.com study reported that people over fifty are the fastest growing online dating demographic.

Your belief that your options are limited may cause you to settle for a man who looks good on paper, but who isn't available for the long-term. Instead, focus on getting to know men over time before allowing yourself to become emotionally involved with one man.

Often, when a passionate relationship ends it can leave you feeling hyper-vigilant. One of the legacies of your recent romance is that you may have become so risk-averse that the thought of taking the chances needed in order to find love could feel terrifying.

One of the keys to successful dating is being able to embrace all its uncertainty. Until you know where a relationship is going, keep all of your options open. Continue to meet new men, whether you're online, taking classes or participating in various activities.

There is no way to guarantee that you can avoid pain. But, you can minimize your chances.

Being interested in someone you just met is healthy. Investing your love in someone who hasn't shown you that he'll treat you well is not.

Dating is about not knowing the ending and remaining calm while you navigate the ups and downs. Adopt the attitude that you are a detective who is investigating whether a man is a good fit for you.

Ask yourself a lot of questions before you get to the emotional point of no return:

• Does he mean what he says?
• Does he like you or does he just want to have sex with you?
• Are you the only one he's seeing, or is he a player?Does he want the same kind of relationship you do and does he want it with you?
• How do you feel about him?
• What might you feel like you owe him at any part of the dating process?
• Fill in the blank: What else do you need to know about how he feels about you and how he treats you before you feel it's safe to give him your heart?

Once you approach dating in this manner, it becomes easier to be confident and friendly. Look at dates as opportunities to discover how you interact with someone you don't know well. Rather than deciding if a man is "the one" right away, take time to become acquainted with different men.

Letting go of preconceived attitudes about love, dating and men, while keeping your wits about you is one of the keys to discovering love.

Don't disappear when you're not interested

Dear Annie, My experience is often that if a women isn't interested, she won't bother to give me the courtesy of returning my phone call. This happens even if she has just given me her number. So, if I'm not interested in her later on, I think it is fine to simply fade away and not contact her. Why should I give a woman more respect than she gives me? Women are frequently just as rude if they are not interested in men. Brad

Brad, Although disappearing from someone's life seems to becoming a more common way to break things off, it's rarely perceived as acceptable when someone does it to you.

While there are many ways to get in touch with someone in order to disclose that you're no longer open to a romantic relationship, the thought of doing so fills many people with dread. So, they opt out entirely, which is likely to create far more anxiety and pain than if they had been direct about their intentions.

How to let someone know you're not interested when you have met in person:

If you're not interested, say that you enjoyed your conversation, but that it's time for you to leave. You don't need to explain why: just smile and say goodbye.

If someone you're not interested in asks for your number, say, "No, thank you," in a compassionate, but firm manner. Express appreciation for his or her interest and say that you're not available. Follow up by leaving immediately.

When it's OK to break up via email;

There are times when email is the best way to let someone know that you're not interested.

If you haven't yet met, but are corresponding online and get the feeling you're not a match, it's kinder to send an email than to simply fade away. Same thing goes if you have met online, have been on one or two dates and email is your main mode of communication.

When it's OK to break up on the phone:

If you talk on the phone or if you have only been on a few dates, it's kinder to let the other person know that you're not interested than it would be to ignore his or her calls.

How to have the break-up conversation:

You can't discover whether someone might be "the one" if you have never meet. And it's easier if you can say, "Thanks, but no thanks," with confidence and class. Keep it short and simple: try to be kind, honest and unambiguous.

Do say:

1) That you have appreciated the opportunity to get to know him or her.

2) That you don't feel you are a match

3) That you feel confident that he or she will find someone who is a better fit in the near future. Wish him or her the best.

Don't say:

1) The reasons why you don't feel that you're a match. Explaining is likely to make someone feel worse, not better.

2) What you feel your date needs to do in order to improve his or her chances of finding someone else.

Most people prefer to know the truth. It's likely to be less painful than figuring it out through trial and error.

Remember that 100 percent of all relationships will end in rejection until you find the right match. The ability to turn someone away kindly, honestly and unambiguously is a skill well worth developing.

Do you behave as if you have to fix a man?

Dear Annie, My last three relationships were ruined because the women were too bossy. One insisted that we talk for an hour every day. Another demanded that we get together whenever I had free time. The last one criticized how I did almost everything, whether it was cutting bread, driving to a restaurant, or doing the dishes (in my own apartment, no less!) Why do some women think they have to "fix" their men? John

John, The Wall Street Journal recently claimed that nagging—which they define as "the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it"—destroys more relationships than adultery.

Although men occasionally nag, it seems to be more prevalent with women.

A women may feel inspired to nag her partner if she feels overwhelmed by anxiety when something isn't going as expected. She might be trying to figure out why you are behaving differently than she would, in the same situation, and conclude that you need guidance.

Women often feel a sense of urgency about what is going on in their relationships. They also typically wonder about men's motives. They often ask, "Why would he do that? It makes no sense." (I rarely, if ever, hear a man ask that question.)

For example, if you haven't called when she thinks you should, she may become distressed and interpret it to mean that you no longer care for her—no matter what is actually going on.

Many women aren't aware that they are nagging. Often, they believe that they are simply expressing their needs without understanding that they may be running the risk of destroying their romance.

Five signs that you're nagging when you are first dating:

1. Checking to confirm your date. Instead, trust that he's going to keep his word. If he doesn't, you have a bigger problem.

2. Telling him that his choice of date venue isn't up to snuff. Rather than focusing on the setting, pay attention to getting acquainted.

3. Contacting him to find out if he's going to see you again. If you thank him at the end of a date, you can avoid doing so the next day. Men often interpret that as angling for another date.

4. Calling or texting just to chat. Men don't always reconnect as quickly as a woman might like. Pay attention to his sense of timing. You'll hear from him when he is ready to get in touch.

5. Questioning whether he has good intentions. You're not going to find out if he's a player or just out for sex by asking. And, by doing so, you are likely to turn off the good guys.

Five signs that you're nagging when you're in a relationship:

1. Insisting on managing his free time. A man is more likely to be drawn to a woman who trusts that he will include her whenever possible.

2. Offering directions when he hasn't asked. Whether he's driving, fixing a meal, or doing household chores, try to respect that he's chosen a method that works for him.

3. Giving ultimatums. Instead, relax, allow things to unfold and make sure that your expectations are realistic. If it's not working for you, back off.

4. Telling him how to behave around friends or relatives. He is responsible for what he says and does. If you don't like it and can't ignore it, perhaps he's not the man for you.

5. Installing yourself as behavioral manager of your relationship. Rather than inspiring him to modify his behavior, your criticism is likely to make him distance himself. Allowing your anxiety to cause you to attempt to dictate his behavior likely to ruin your relationship.

In order to stop nagging, a woman needs to trust that the man in her life wants to make her happy, but that she must to allow him to do it in his own way and on his own time.

Are you having a hard time finding someone to date?

“There is no one here for me.” Lisa frowned as she surveyed the ballroom filled with hundreds of single men and women. “I know some of these guys. They’re all boring. I can tell just by looking.”

Lisa places a high value on charm and good looks. She’s horrified to see the pool of handsome, eligible men shrink as she ages.

She’s not alone. Like many women, you may have passed over men whom you have briefly encountered—or haven’t yet met. Perhaps he’s not your “type” or you don’t feel any chemistry.

He could be a nice guy who meets most of your dating criteria. But, you just aren’t that attracted when you meet him. And, maybe he's a little shy. So you never discover his intelligence, charming personality and sense of humor.

You move on, meet the next man to try on, and become frustrated because you can’t find an emotionally available guy who gives you the zing that you’re looking for.

If you're not sure where it's headed...

Dear Annie, Mike and I have been dating for a few weeks. He seems interested, calls me often and we have a great time together. But, I'm not sure where it's headed and I don't want to waste my time. I do want to know that he's not dating other people—I'm not—and that he's interested in our having a future together. When is the best time to have "the talk?" Lilly

Dear Lilly, One of the biggest budding relationship killers is the pressure and sense of potential desperation created by one person's premature need to know where a new relationship is going. As you spend time together and your relationship progresses, its direction will become obvious to both of you.

In the meantime, rather than initiate a conversation about the direction of your relationship, extricate yourself from your early, and potentially one-sided desire for commitment.

Don't stop dating others until you've agreed to be exclusive

Until Mike asks you to be in an exclusive relationship, it's imperative for you to continue dating other men.

Don't worry that you are being disloyal: if you don't have an agreement that you're exclusive, it means that each of you is free to date others. Continue to enjoy his company as well as that of other men.

A man has no incentive to commit if you are already giving him everything he needs. If he knows that you're always available or if you hold yourself accountable to him, he has no reason to ask you to be exclusive; because he knows that you already are.

If after a couple of months, he doesn't ask for a commitment, let him go. Tell him something along the lines of, "I really like you. But, I have a feeling that we're not looking for the same thing. I want to be in an exclusive relationship that's moving towards long-term commitment. And, it seems like you may want something else. So, no hard feelings, but I think we should stop seeing each other so that we can both find what we need."

If he wants a future with you, he will let you know. But, in the meantime, don't commit to someone who only makes you an option.

Should she ignore his message?

Dear Annie, Al and I had connected online. But, when we met in person, I felt that he wasn’t right for me. I declined his offer of a second date. He sent me a disturbing text this morning. Part of me wanted to reply and ask him not to contact me anymore. But, another part of me is concerned that my response would inspire him to send another message. What is the best strategy to use in order to get him to leave me alone? Suzanne

Hi Suzanne, He may be contacting you because he believes that you declined the date because it was inconvenient, but didn’t actually understand that you had no interest in moving forward.

If you believe that you may not have been clear in communicating your feelings, it’s time to do so. Pick up the phone and call. Telling someone that you don’t want to see him again via text message is a surefire way to amplify the pain of rejection. Testament to the fact is a recent informal survey I heard on a Slate podcast, where 50 percent of the participants felt it was OK to reject someone via text message, but none said that they would feel comfortable if they were on the receiving end.

It’s best to let him down in a kind, honest and unambiguous manner. Apologize for not being clear when you last spoke with him. Tell him that, while you appreciate his interest and time, you feel that you are not a match. Wish him the best of luck in finding a woman who is a better fit. If you made it clear that you were declining his second date because you didn’t want to see him again, ignore his text. If he continues to contact you, send a single message asking him not to contact you.

In the unlikely event that the texts don’t stop after that, inform him that if he doesn’t stop, you will contact the police. Follow through if needed.

Dating is confusing for everyone. Men get mixed messages about how to pursue women. Often, they find that persistence pays off in courtship, so they continue to follow through until they get a clear message that the object of their desire is not available.

The art of saying "no" without hurting his feelings

Hi Annie, I'm a fifty year-old woman who just started dating after the end of a twenty-three year relationship.

The men I'm dating are becoming physically affectionate much too quickly. My last date wanted to hold my hand in an overly affectionate way. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but didn't know how to handle it without hurting his feelings.

I need to allow chemistry to build slowly. How can I respond to this type of situation in a diplomatic way? Susan

Susan, Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. Expressions of physical affection are only appropriate if they are welcome by both participants.

Most men will respond well if you are kind, honest and playful when you tell them that they are moving too fast. Those who don't respect your wishes are unlikely to honor you in other situations; so it makes sense to interpret disrespect as a sign that you should move on.

Make the assumption that he's getting physical because he likes you. He'll probably respond best if you reinforce his romantic feelings as you set your boundaries.

I suggest that you use this three-step technique. You can use this method to deflect most unwelcome attention, but I'll use hand holding as an example.

The key is that you deliver it with a flirtatious smile and a friendly tone of voice. Say:

1. "I really enjoy touching and holding hands in a romantic way. It's such a great feeling."
2. "But it takes me time to feel comfortable when I'm just getting to know you. I need to take things slowly. I'm not ready yet."
3. "I'm so looking forward to feeling like I know you well enough to feel the kind of chemistry it would take to make me comfortable with this. I'm really enjoying your company."

Keep smiling, withdraw your hand and change the subject, while you maintain the friendly tone of the conversation. The key is to discourage his action without accusing him of acting inappropriately. If you give him positive attention, let him know you like him, and signal that there is a possibility of mutually enjoyable physical contact in the future, his feelings will likely emerge unscathed.

Most men expect to be told "no" at times during courtship. The key is doing so in a playful, generous and compassionate manner. 

How to increase your chances of finding The One

Finding love is the top New Year's resolution for most single people over fifty, according to a recent Huffington Post article. If want to vastly increase your chances of a lasting romance, plan to do things a little differently in the coming year.

Resolve to:

1. Become open to a variety of new possibilities. The love of your life may well look different then you have previously envisioned. When you fall for someone right away, your connection is likely to fall apart within a few months.
2. Rather than becoming invested in the outcome, accept that it takes time to discover if someone might be your true love.
3. Spruce up your appearance so that you're more likely to attract interest. Don't leave home without looking your best.
4. Get out and meet new people every day. Show a friendly interest in others, vary your schedule in order to find the best times to interact with people who may be of interest and ask friends for introductions. Use online dating sites to meet potential dates who you wouldn't ordinarily encounter.
5. Approach new introductions and dates with open expectations and a positive attitude. Rather than trying to ascertain if he or she is "the one," ask yourself if he or she is a possible new friend. It's unrealistic to expect that someone who you are just getting to know is an absolute "yes;" they are either a "no way" or a "maybe."
6. View attraction as an opportunity to discover if you're compatible, rather than as a signal that you must immediately pursue a relationship. As you become better acquainted, you'll have opportunities to see whether both of your actions indicate that you have similar values and relationship goals.

If you choose to adopt these resolutions you are likely notice a difference in your love life within a short time. If you need support, my coaching programs have helped hundreds of people. Please contact me for a consultation to see if coaching is right for you.