Annie's Dating Blog

Dear Annie, I’ve been dating Jim for a month.  I slept with him on the third date. Ever since then, he’s been backing off and contacting me less often than he was previously.

Do I continue to get in touch with him as if nothing happened? Or should I wait until he reaches out to me?  How can I tell if he is feeling as uncertain as I am? Carol

Feeling uncertain is part of dating

Dear Carol, It’s likely—and appropriate—that both of you are feeling uncertain about where your relationship is headed. After all, you’ve only been dating for a month. You have slept together before you had a chance to establish much of a dating and communication pattern.

Sex changes everything

The experience of sexual intimacy usually changes things for everyone involved. Women often become more attached and tend to feel a need to create a closer bond. And men are likely to need some distance as they consider the long-term impact of potentially becoming intimate.

Like many men, Jim probably needs some time to be on his own before he feels free to continue to pursue you. And, you need to allow him the space to figure out what he wants, rather than initiating direct contact. with him As long as you’re seeking him out, he has no reason to get in touch with you.

How to handle him backing off

Stop initiating contact. Accept that he’s likely to have a different sense of timing than you than you might want. And, if you pressure him into making a decision, you are likely to lose him as a romantic partner

When he wants to get in touch with you, he’ll do so. Don’t hesitate to respond to his calls, texts and emails in a positive manner.

Don’t quiz him about how he feels or why he’s pulling back—if he doesn’t volunteer that information, it means he either doesn’t know or is unwilling to share.

How to become more comfortable with uncertainty

While women are most likely to share their feelings by talking, most men express what is going on inside by how they behave. So, if he’s taking things more slowly, it may mean that you need to back off emotionally.

Shift your focus from Jim to the other things in your life. Don’t wait for him to take action before you make plans with friends. Participate in activities that bring you joy. Don’t behave as if you are in a committed, long-term relationship when you are only exploring that possibility.

If not knowing where you stand makes you anxious, redirect your energy. Go for a walk or run, take an activity class—such as dancing or sports—that includes exercise, or become involved in something else that interests you.

Continue to be romantically available

Continue to date and explore potential relationships with other men, unless you and Jim have already verbally agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship. If that is the case, I suggest that you get to know other men as platonic friends while he figures out what he wants.

You can never tell where a dating relationship is likely to lead during the first few months. In the meantime, your best bet is to allow Jim to set the pace.

Dear Annie, I've been seeing Larry for a while and have been under the impression that everything is going well. But, I became incredibly upset when I recently discovered that he is still active online. How can I tell him that this is unacceptable without driving him away? I am anxious to get this resolved as soon as possible! Lois

Lois, How you approach the situation depends on what you and Larry have agreed upon. Have you verbally committed to date only each other? Did both of you promise to take your profiles down?

If you haven't discussed these issues, it's reasonable to expect that he may still be interested in dating others. Your best bet is to ignore his online activity.

You should also ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship in which you have a one-sided commitment. If that is the case, you don't need to break up. Instead, choose to date others unless he wants to become exclusive.

If you have decided to date exclusively, but not agreed on how to handle your online dating activity, it's possible that he's "just seeing who is online." It's not unusual for a man go online to view women's profiles without intending to meet in person.

It's usually best to allow him to stop cruising online dating sites without pressure from you. One of my former clients wanted me to see what a great guy she was dating. She asked me to take a look at her boyfriend's profile after they had been dating for a few months. I discovered that he had been active within 24 hours. I didn't mention it to her because she was happy, he was treating her well and I didn't want to cause unnecessary anxiety. My strategy paid off as they are now married.

If you have agreed that you are exclusive and that neither of you will use online dating sites, you have the right to initiate a discussion about his activity. But, please use caution. Just the fact that you're aware that he's active on the dating site may cause him to accuse you of spying on him or to wonder if you are using the site to meet other men. It's easy for this conversation to end badly.

So, if you must bring it up, rather than put him on the defensive, wait until you have calmed down. Then, mention how you discovered his online dating activity, and listen to what he has to say. Maybe he was checking out a profile for a friend. Perhaps you misunderstood each other.

In general, monitoring any of your beau's behavior can lead to unnecessary drama. If he's treating you well and lets you know that he's interested in exploring the possibility of a future together within the first couple of months, it's usually best to show him that you trust him by allowing him to choose when he wants to stop online dating.

Dear Annie, I spent the last several years in a long-distance relationship that didn't work out. At first, we believed that we were perfect for each other. But he gradually pulled away and it took me more than a year to realize that there was no way that he would ever come back.

This has reawakened my desire to find love. I don't want to become involved with the wrong man yet again. I'm fifty-two. I worry that I don't have a lot of time left before I'm no longer attractive enough to date. Sheila

Sheila, The good news is that you don't have to worry about becoming too old to find love. A recent Match.com study reported that people over fifty are the fastest growing online dating demographic.

Your belief that your options are limited may cause you to settle for a man who looks good on paper, but who isn't available for the long-term. Instead, focus on getting to know men over time before allowing yourself to become emotionally involved with one man.

Often, when a passionate relationship ends it can leave you feeling hyper-vigilant. One of the legacies of your recent romance is that you may have become so risk-averse that the thought of taking the chances needed in order to find love could feel terrifying.

One of the keys to successful dating is being able to embrace all its uncertainty. Until you know where a relationship is going, keep all of your options open. Continue to meet new men, whether you're online, taking classes or participating in various activities.

There is no way to guarantee that you can avoid pain. But, you can minimize your chances.

Being interested in someone you just met is healthy. Investing your love in someone who hasn't shown you that he'll treat you well is not.

Dating is about not knowing the ending and remaining calm while you navigate the ups and downs. Adopt the attitude that you are a detective who is investigating whether a man is a good fit for you.

Ask yourself a lot of questions before you get to the emotional point of no return:

• Does he mean what he says?
• Does he like you or does he just want to have sex with you?
• Are you the only one he's seeing, or is he a player?Does he want the same kind of relationship you do and does he want it with you?
• How do you feel about him?
• What might you feel like you owe him at any part of the dating process?
• Fill in the blank: What else do you need to know about how he feels about you and how he treats you before you feel it's safe to give him your heart?

Once you approach dating in this manner, it becomes easier to be confident and friendly. Look at dates as opportunities to discover how you interact with someone you don't know well. Rather than deciding if a man is "the one" right away, take time to become acquainted with different men.

Letting go of preconceived attitudes about love, dating and men, while keeping your wits about you is one of the keys to discovering love.

Don't disappear when you're not interested

Dear Annie, My experience is often that if a women isn't interested, she won't bother to give me the courtesy of returning my phone call. This happens even if she has just given me her number. So, if I'm not interested in her later on, I think it is fine to simply fade away and not contact her. Why should I give a woman more respect than she gives me? Women are frequently just as rude if they are not interested in men. Brad

Brad, Although disappearing from someone's life seems to becoming a more common way to break things off, it's rarely perceived as acceptable when someone does it to you.

While there are many ways to get in touch with someone in order to disclose that you're no longer open to a romantic relationship, the thought of doing so fills many people with dread. So, they opt out entirely, which is likely to create far more anxiety and pain than if they had been direct about their intentions.

How to let someone know you're not interested when you have met in person:

If you're not interested, say that you enjoyed your conversation, but that it's time for you to leave. You don't need to explain why: just smile and say goodbye.

If someone you're not interested in asks for your number, say, "No, thank you," in a compassionate, but firm manner. Express appreciation for his or her interest and say that you're not available. Follow up by leaving immediately.

When it's OK to break up via email;

There are times when email is the best way to let someone know that you're not interested.

If you haven't yet met, but are corresponding online and get the feeling you're not a match, it's kinder to send an email than to simply fade away. Same thing goes if you have met online, have been on one or two dates and email is your main mode of communication.

When it's OK to break up on the phone:

If you talk on the phone or if you have only been on a few dates, it's kinder to let the other person know that you're not interested than it would be to ignore his or her calls.

How to have the break-up conversation:

You can't discover whether someone might be "the one" if you have never meet. And it's easier if you can say, "Thanks, but no thanks," with confidence and class. Keep it short and simple: try to be kind, honest and unambiguous.

Do say:

1) That you have appreciated the opportunity to get to know him or her.

2) That you don't feel you are a match

3) That you feel confident that he or she will find someone who is a better fit in the near future. Wish him or her the best.

Don't say:

1) The reasons why you don't feel that you're a match. Explaining is likely to make someone feel worse, not better.

2) What you feel your date needs to do in order to improve his or her chances of finding someone else.

Most people prefer to know the truth. It's likely to be less painful than figuring it out through trial and error.

Remember that 100 percent of all relationships will end in rejection until you find the right match. The ability to turn someone away kindly, honestly and unambiguously is a skill well worth developing.

Are you having a hard time finding someone to date?

“There is no one here for me.” Lisa frowned as she surveyed the ballroom filled with hundreds of single men and women. “I know some of these guys. They’re all boring. I can tell just by looking.”

Lisa places a high value on charm and good looks. She’s horrified to see the pool of handsome, eligible men shrink as she ages.

She’s not alone. Like many women, you may have passed over men whom you have briefly encountered—or haven’t yet met. Perhaps he’s not your “type” or you don’t feel any chemistry.

He could be a nice guy who meets most of your dating criteria. But, you just aren’t that attracted when you meet him. And, maybe he's a little shy. So you never discover his intelligence, charming personality and sense of humor.

You move on, meet the next man to try on, and become frustrated because you can’t find an emotionally available guy who gives you the zing that you’re looking for.

If you're not sure where it's headed...

Dear Annie, Mike and I have been dating for a few weeks. He seems interested, calls me often and we have a great time together. But, I'm not sure where it's headed and I don't want to waste my time. I do want to know that he's not dating other people—I'm not—and that he's interested in our having a future together. When is the best time to have "the talk?" Lilly

Dear Lilly, One of the biggest budding relationship killers is the pressure and sense of potential desperation created by one person's premature need to know where a new relationship is going. As you spend time together and your relationship progresses, its direction will become obvious to both of you.

In the meantime, rather than initiate a conversation about the direction of your relationship, extricate yourself from your early, and potentially one-sided desire for commitment.

Don't stop dating others until you've agreed to be exclusive

Until Mike asks you to be in an exclusive relationship, it's imperative for you to continue dating other men.

Don't worry that you are being disloyal: if you don't have an agreement that you're exclusive, it means that each of you is free to date others. Continue to enjoy his company as well as that of other men.

A man has no incentive to commit if you are already giving him everything he needs. If he knows that you're always available or if you hold yourself accountable to him, he has no reason to ask you to be exclusive; because he knows that you already are.

If after a couple of months, he doesn't ask for a commitment, let him go. Tell him something along the lines of, "I really like you. But, I have a feeling that we're not looking for the same thing. I want to be in an exclusive relationship that's moving towards long-term commitment. And, it seems like you may want something else. So, no hard feelings, but I think we should stop seeing each other so that we can both find what we need."

If he wants a future with you, he will let you know. But, in the meantime, don't commit to someone who only makes you an option.

Should she ignore his message?

Dear Annie, Al and I had connected online. But, when we met in person, I felt that he wasn’t right for me. I declined his offer of a second date. He sent me a disturbing text this morning. Part of me wanted to reply and ask him not to contact me anymore. But, another part of me is concerned that my response would inspire him to send another message. What is the best strategy to use in order to get him to leave me alone? Suzanne

Hi Suzanne, He may be contacting you because he believes that you declined the date because it was inconvenient, but didn’t actually understand that you had no interest in moving forward.

If you believe that you may not have been clear in communicating your feelings, it’s time to do so. Pick up the phone and call. Telling someone that you don’t want to see him again via text message is a surefire way to amplify the pain of rejection. Testament to the fact is a recent informal survey I heard on a Slate podcast, where 50 percent of the participants felt it was OK to reject someone via text message, but none said that they would feel comfortable if they were on the receiving end.

It’s best to let him down in a kind, honest and unambiguous manner. Apologize for not being clear when you last spoke with him. Tell him that, while you appreciate his interest and time, you feel that you are not a match. Wish him the best of luck in finding a woman who is a better fit. If you made it clear that you were declining his second date because you didn’t want to see him again, ignore his text. If he continues to contact you, send a single message asking him not to contact you.

In the unlikely event that the texts don’t stop after that, inform him that if he doesn’t stop, you will contact the police. Follow through if needed.

Dating is confusing for everyone. Men get mixed messages about how to pursue women. Often, they find that persistence pays off in courtship, so they continue to follow through until they get a clear message that the object of their desire is not available.

The art of saying "no" without hurting his feelings

Hi Annie, I'm a fifty year-old woman who just started dating after the end of a twenty-three year relationship.

The men I'm dating are becoming physically affectionate much too quickly. My last date wanted to hold my hand in an overly affectionate way. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but didn't know how to handle it without hurting his feelings.

I need to allow chemistry to build slowly. How can I respond to this type of situation in a diplomatic way? Susan

Susan, Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. Expressions of physical affection are only appropriate if they are welcome by both participants.

Most men will respond well if you are kind, honest and playful when you tell them that they are moving too fast. Those who don't respect your wishes are unlikely to honor you in other situations; so it makes sense to interpret disrespect as a sign that you should move on.

Make the assumption that he's getting physical because he likes you. He'll probably respond best if you reinforce his romantic feelings as you set your boundaries.

I suggest that you use this three-step technique. You can use this method to deflect most unwelcome attention, but I'll use hand holding as an example.

The key is that you deliver it with a flirtatious smile and a friendly tone of voice. Say:

1. "I really enjoy touching and holding hands in a romantic way. It's such a great feeling."
2. "But it takes me time to feel comfortable when I'm just getting to know you. I need to take things slowly. I'm not ready yet."
3. "I'm so looking forward to feeling like I know you well enough to feel the kind of chemistry it would take to make me comfortable with this. I'm really enjoying your company."

Keep smiling, withdraw your hand and change the subject, while you maintain the friendly tone of the conversation. The key is to discourage his action without accusing him of acting inappropriately. If you give him positive attention, let him know you like him, and signal that there is a possibility of mutually enjoyable physical contact in the future, his feelings will likely emerge unscathed.

Most men expect to be told "no" at times during courtship. The key is doing so in a playful, generous and compassionate manner. 

He's not ready for a relationship

Dear Annie, I just had a difficult conversation with Jill. We dated for a couple of months, and she asked where our relationship was going. I reminded her that I told her, on our first date, that I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

Making sense of men and dating

Men...if they were easy to understand, would you be having so much trouble when it comes to bringing a good one into your life? I'll be demystifying men and dating at a talk for women only in conjunction with the Singles Supper Club on September 12. Men will join us for a mixer afterwards.

Why first dates should be more fun

Are your first few dates often fun meetings where you're becoming better acquainted with someone new? Or do they always feel like pop quizzes?

Pay attention to his actions

If you have to ask if he's your boyfriend...he probably isn't.

Most men express how they feel through their actions. If he wants to be your boyfriend, you'll know, because he'll treat you well. You'll never have to wonder what he's thinking, because he'll be there for you.

Attraction: influenced by appearance

Attraction is visual, so if you're looking for love, make sure that you're looking good whenever you encounter people! This is easier said than done. The other day, I needed a locksmith when I was not looking my best.

Annual survey reveals men's trends

If you have ever wondered what goes on in the minds of men, a popular men's lifestyle website gives you plenty of food for thought in their recently released 2011 Great Male Survey.

Can a short man find love?

Dear Annie, I am a very short guy, around 5'3", and find it hard to date. The last woman I dated was 5'4" and wore heels. Should I worry about the height factor? Dan

Want to discover the best ways to meet and attract men while minimizing drama?

I'm sharing some of my dating secrets in a 45 minute talk at 11AM this Sunday, July 24, in Foster City. These are techniques that I have taught my clients to use as they find lasting love.

How can a regular guy attract women?

Stan is an intelligent, attractive and kind man who wants to be in a committed relationship. His biggest challenge has been that he believes he's not interesting enough to attract women.