Don't disappear when you're not interested

Dear Annie, My experience is often that if a women isn't interested, she won't bother to give me the courtesy of returning my phone call. This happens even if she has just given me her number. So, if I'm not interested in her later on, I think it is fine to simply fade away and not contact her. Why should I give a woman more respect than she gives me? Women are frequently just as rude if they are not interested in men. Brad

Brad, Although disappearing from someone's life seems to becoming a more common way to break things off, it's rarely perceived as acceptable when someone does it to you.

While there are many ways to get in touch with someone in order to disclose that you're no longer open to a romantic relationship, the thought of doing so fills many people with dread. So, they opt out entirely, which is likely to create far more anxiety and pain than if they had been direct about their intentions.

How to let someone know you're not interested when you have met in person:

If you're not interested, say that you enjoyed your conversation, but that it's time for you to leave. You don't need to explain why: just smile and say goodbye.

If someone you're not interested in asks for your number, say, "No, thank you," in a compassionate, but firm manner. Express appreciation for his or her interest and say that you're not available. Follow up by leaving immediately.

When it's OK to break up via email;

There are times when email is the best way to let someone know that you're not interested.

If you haven't yet met, but are corresponding online and get the feeling you're not a match, it's kinder to send an email than to simply fade away. Same thing goes if you have met online, have been on one or two dates and email is your main mode of communication.

When it's OK to break up on the phone:

If you talk on the phone or if you have only been on a few dates, it's kinder to let the other person know that you're not interested than it would be to ignore his or her calls.

How to have the break-up conversation:

You can't discover whether someone might be "the one" if you have never meet. And it's easier if you can say, "Thanks, but no thanks," with confidence and class. Keep it short and simple: try to be kind, honest and unambiguous.

Do say:

1) That you have appreciated the opportunity to get to know him or her.

2) That you don't feel you are a match

3) That you feel confident that he or she will find someone who is a better fit in the near future. Wish him or her the best.

Don't say:

1) The reasons why you don't feel that you're a match. Explaining is likely to make someone feel worse, not better.

2) What you feel your date needs to do in order to improve his or her chances of finding someone else.

Most people prefer to know the truth. It's likely to be less painful than figuring it out through trial and error.

Remember that 100 percent of all relationships will end in rejection until you find the right match. The ability to turn someone away kindly, honestly and unambiguously is a skill well worth developing.