We haven't talked about dating each other exclusively and I'm reluctant to bring it up. How can I discover whether he wants to have a committed relationship? Jessica

Take time to get to know each other before you bring up the subject of commitment

Jessica, Your relationship is likely have a stronger foundation if both of you take a few months to sort out your feelings before dating exclusively. This will give you the opportunity to discover whether you're really compatible with each other. You'll also get a better sense of how you treat each other as you become more comfortable together.

Some couples drift into exclusivity without having a discussion beforehand. However some find that having an assumed commitment precipitates a nagging sense of jealousy or insecurity. If you're like most people in a budding relationship, you will want to know where you stand.

Plan to communicate in a way that will create the best possibility of success

So, if you've been dating for several months and you're not sure where your affair is going, communicate your feelings in a gentle, honest and non-judgmental manner. Plan to be open to any outcome, because you can't know how it's going to turn out before you hear what he may have to say.

Timing is crucial. Plan to initiate your conversation before a natural parting time, such as the end of a meal or activity.

Resist the temptation to bring up the subject while you're engaging in sexually charged behavior. That may make it impossible to have an honest dialogue or could give him the impression that you are being manipulative.

Approach your conversation with an open mind

Your conversational attitude must be calm, friendly and matter of fact. Convey that you care for him and simply want information. Make sure you can be laid back and receptive to his response no matter how he replies. Resist any temptation to give him a sales pitch, cry or argue.

Say something like "I really like you. But, I'm at the point where I need to know if this is something that's going to stay casual. I have a wonderful time with you and don't want my emotions to be out of sync with what is really going on."

Then wait and patiently listen to everything he has to say in response, so that you know what he's thinking.

Prepare a plan of action for all possible outcomes

Before you have your talk, think about what your general response would be to any of his likely answers.

• If he says he wants to move into an exclusive relationship, plan to celebrate.
• If he says he likes things the way they are and doesn't want a further commitment, be prepared to calmly walk away immediately after your discussion.
• If he says "I'm not sure," tell him that you need to back off and that you plan to continue to date other people. Say that, under the circumstances, you're not comfortable with your current level of physical intimacy. Then back off immediately. Don't spend the night together. Let him know, by being less available, that you plan to make him a lower priority. Don't threaten him or give ultimatums.
• If he says "I need more time," ask him how much and ask him to initiate revisiting this discussion. Explore what each of you thinks you will need in order to make a decision. Let him know that, in the meantime, you will back off emotionally and physically and continue to date others until he makes up his mind.

If you have to talk him into a commitment, he's not available

If you need to convince him to commit, it means he's not available.

Most single men and women are open to a mutually loving relationship—with the right person. Remember that a premature commitment after only a few dates is as meaningless as no commitment at all.