Why first dates should be more fun

Are your first few dates often fun meetings where you're becoming better acquainted with someone new? Or do they always feel like pop quizzes?

If you go home and analyze your date to see how he measures up to your ideal man, you may be headed in the wrong direction. Yes, of course, you deserve a great guy. But if your checklist is too detailed, you may end up overlooking Mr. Right.

Question your list

When Sandie first came to me for coaching, she gave me two pages of must-haves, varying from "he must like to fix things around the house," to "ambitious" and "not a fan of organized religion."

Together, we narrowed her non-negotiable list into two categories. One was character-driven. She listed things such as: Treats me respectfully, shows up when he says he will, honest and even tempered.

The other list was about lifestyle, appearance and other superficial criteria. I asked that this include less than five things. It was difficult for her to compromise on this one.

She had a cat, so she wanted him to be open to animals. She couldn't bear the thought of having to part with her beloved pet, so this one stayed on the list.

She didn't want to be with a man who believed in organized religion. She compromised on this one, deciding it was OK as long as he agreed not to pressure her into participating.

She had a well-defined sense of style, which she wanted him to share. I asked, "What is the worst thing that could happen if he doesn't share your sense of style?" After discussing options, she agreed that this was something that could eventually be worked out with the right man.

Focus on relationship success

Once Sandie and Bill discovered that they liked each other, she was delighted to discover that he had many of the attributes that were on her old "list."This gave her the opportunity to appreciate all they had in common, rather than criticize how he didn't measure up on a few things.

If you want a loving relationship with another person, you have to be willing to accept a flawed person, just like yourself.

A small list of requirements, like kindness, compassion or ability to compromise, which are known to be determinants of relationship success, are more likely to find you love than a laundry list that's larger than the average pizza menu.

If you leave your checklist at home, odds are that you'll become better acquainted, and if you like each other, you'll discover everything you want to know in a few dates anyway.

How long is your dating checklist?