She wants an emotional commitment before they sleep together

Dear Annie, Where can I meet a man who is not in a hurry to have sex? I tell the men I date that I need an emotional commitment beforehand. But if I don't sleep with them after a few dates, they break up with me. Stephanie

Timing, sex and emotional connection

Stephanie, A man's need to have sex often feels as urgent to him as a woman's need to create an emotional connection does to her.

In general, women feel overwhelmed by too much premature sexual attention. Most want to build feelings of connection and trust beforehand, in order to have confidence that their lover will return. Women tend to sexually open up gradually, and often desire promises of love and monogamy before agreeing to engage in sex.

On the other hand, men usually feel overwhelmed by demands for premature emotional intimacy. Most open up only with someone they can trust over time. They build trust by doing things, rather than by talking. They tend to take time to open up emotionally.

So, if in the beginning of a dating relationship, you are pushing for emotional intimacy, it turns him off, just as his pushing for sexual intimacy repels you.

How to say no to sex and keep his interest

It's OK to let him know that you don't want to sleep with someone who is having sex with others. But, be clear that it's not a trade: Telling him that you need a commitment or emotional connection before you have sex smacks of barter.

Wait until he offers the intimacy that you want. In the meantime, be friendly and flirtatious without being critical of his sexual advances, while maintaining your boundaries.

For example, you might move his hand away, and say, "Oh, I wish the time was right...I'm just not ready. Let's get out of here!" Then take an action that moves you away from the situation that you're in.

If you treat a date as a way to get to know a man, and don't lead with your relationship needs, he will seek emotional connection at his own pace. If he pushes for sex, just tell him that you're not ready and want to take it slowly.

When you accept that he has a need for a sexual connection, just as you have a need for an emotional bond, you are both more likely to get what you want.