Are men just waiting for women to pursue them?

Dear Annie, Please tell men how to treat women. Lots of guys say they want to date me, but don’t bother to take the initiative. They wait for me to pursue them. Why can’t they take action?

One example is Bill. We went on one date. I know he liked me, because he kissed me. When he called, I couldn’t answer, but got back to him just 15 minutes later. It went straight to voice-mail, so I left him a message.

Then I turned my phone off because I went to a movie. I called him afterwards and left him another message, apologizing for not being available. The next day he called and said “It’s Bill. Sorry I missed your call. Let’s catch up sometime.” He was totally lame.

I’m moving on, but where can I find a guy who takes initiative? Patrice

Patrice, Allow the man to set the pace if you want to be pursued. Let him know that his initiative is always appreciated. And mirror his actions: as soon as you take the lead, he has no motive to take the initiative.

Pursuit is Not a Two-Way Street

A man has no reason to pursue you when he knows that he has already won your interest. He will only take the effort to woo you if it's what he must do to in order to get what he wants.

This applies to all stages and aspects of a relationship

• Phone calls
• Asking for dates
• Committing to an exclusive relationship
• Moving in together, or becoming engaged or married

So, if you want him to take initiative, let him take the lead. Until he does, keep your options open and don’t become invested in a specific outcome with one man.

Timing is Everything

It’s not up to you to decide when he should call you back. That’s his choice. He told you that he’s sorry he missed your call and that he planned to catch up with you later. You should take him at his word.

And, if he doesn't follow up in a few days, he's not interested. It's time to move on.

Even if you were married, a man would be unhappy if he had to do everything on your schedule.

Appreciation is Key

This isn’t about playing hard to get. A man who is interested in you needs to know it’s possible to win your affection. And, if you reward him with praise when he reaches out, he’s likely to do so more often.

He will be inspired to pursue you if you let him know that you appreciate him when he shows up. So, thank him for his efforts. Say things like:

• “It’s nice to hear your voice!” when he calls. 
• “Thanks for (whatever he has said or done) I really appreciate it!”
• “I always have so much fun when I’m (doing something with you.)”

Mirror, but Don’t Get Ahead of Him

One of the most important things you can do to entice a man is to mirror his actions.

• If he calls and leaves a message asking you to return his call, return it as soon as you are available to talk.
• if he doesn’t answer leave a playful message with the best times to reach you. Do not dial his number again. 
• If he texts you, return his text.
• If he asks you out say yes. If you can’t go, let him know that you appreciate the invitation and are looking forward to another chance to get together. Allow him to take it from there.

Allow Him to Set the Pace of the Relationship

• While, both men and women feel uncomfortable if the other person is moving too quickly, it’s fine to tell him you need more time to get to know him before you move forward.
• However, most men respond to a higher than expected level of interest from a woman by backing off or disappearing.

When you initiate phone calls and dates, he receives the message that you don’t care whether or not he pursues you.

If you are playful, respect his timing and mirror his actions, any man who is truly interested will chase you. I talk to many men who would love to find a woman who really understands this concept.