Annie's Dating Blog

Dear Annie, I've been seeing Larry for a while and have been under the impression that everything is going well. But, I became incredibly upset when I recently discovered that he is still active online. How can I tell him that this is unacceptable without driving him away? I am anxious to get this resolved as soon as possible! Lois

Lois, How you approach the situation depends on what you and Larry have agreed upon. Have you verbally committed to date only each other? Did both of you promise to take your profiles down?

If you haven't discussed these issues, it's reasonable to expect that he may still be interested in dating others. Your best bet is to ignore his online activity.

You should also ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship in which you have a one-sided commitment. If that is the case, you don't need to break up. Instead, choose to date others unless he wants to become exclusive.

If you have decided to date exclusively, but not agreed on how to handle your online dating activity, it's possible that he's "just seeing who is online." It's not unusual for a man go online to view women's profiles without intending to meet in person.

It's usually best to allow him to stop cruising online dating sites without pressure from you. One of my former clients wanted me to see what a great guy she was dating. She asked me to take a look at her boyfriend's profile after they had been dating for a few months. I discovered that he had been active within 24 hours. I didn't mention it to her because she was happy, he was treating her well and I didn't want to cause unnecessary anxiety. My strategy paid off as they are now married.

If you have agreed that you are exclusive and that neither of you will use online dating sites, you have the right to initiate a discussion about his activity. But, please use caution. Just the fact that you're aware that he's active on the dating site may cause him to accuse you of spying on him or to wonder if you are using the site to meet other men. It's easy for this conversation to end badly.

So, if you must bring it up, rather than put him on the defensive, wait until you have calmed down. Then, mention how you discovered his online dating activity, and listen to what he has to say. Maybe he was checking out a profile for a friend. Perhaps you misunderstood each other.

In general, monitoring any of your beau's behavior can lead to unnecessary drama. If he's treating you well and lets you know that he's interested in exploring the possibility of a future together within the first couple of months, it's usually best to show him that you trust him by allowing him to choose when he wants to stop online dating.

How quickly should you expect a response to your online dating email?

Hi Annie, I'm an energetic entrepreneur from Down Under. I've been in the U.S. off and on for a few years now and am finally settling in. I am doing online dating and have continued to be frustrated that women do not return my emails or texts within 24 hours. It feels disrespectful. I don't treat anyone that way, either professionally or personally. I'm looking for the same respect in return: at a minimum. Should I keep my high standards or should I change my views? Thanks, Frustrated!

How long should you date before taking down your profile?

Dear Annie, I met Al online a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember ever experiencing such a profound initital connection.

Meet more people online

You'll have greater success if you treat online dating as if it were a giant party where you don't know anyone. If you talk with enough people, you're likely to meet someone with whom there is a mutual spark.

My client, Linda, introduced herself to Joe on match.com. After exchanging a few emails and phone calls, they met for coffee. They had great rapport, and when Linda had to leave to run an errand, Joe suggested that he accompany her.

Wondering how to meet someone great online? Perhaps you've heard the latest statistics show that 30 percent of all new relationships are originating online. Is it just hype?

Dear Annie --I've recently started dating again, and I’m having difficulties sorting things out. Recently I met a guy, Rich, on Match.com. He told me that he has been separated for about 18 months and is in the process of a divorce. We had a great first date. He was a nice guy; polite, thoughtful and charming. We took a long walk, discovered that we had lots in common, and agreed that we would like to see each other again.

Dear Annie, I just signed up for a new online dating service, and I'm inundated with messages. It takes me hours each day to politely respond to them. Many of the men seem desperate for company. I can sympathize with them but just don't have the time. What do I do? Suzanne

Hi Annie, I'm a 62-year-old attractive bachelor. I've been meeting several new women through my online ad each month. After a couple of dates, most tell me that can't see me again because they are too busy with their adult kids or grandkids to date. Why do women post online ads if they don't have time to pursue a relationship? It just doesn't make any sense! Larry

Annie, I found with online dating that the pic did not match the person when I met them. When we started to email, most emailed a couple of times, then faded away. It's really difficult to meet someone in person - sometimes they just don't show up.