Annie's Dating Blog

Dear Annie, I’ve been dating Jim for a month.  I slept with him on the third date. Ever since then, he’s been backing off and contacting me less often than he was previously.

Do I continue to get in touch with him as if nothing happened? Or should I wait until he reaches out to me?  How can I tell if he is feeling as uncertain as I am? Carol

Feeling uncertain is part of dating

Dear Carol, It’s likely—and appropriate—that both of you are feeling uncertain about where your relationship is headed. After all, you’ve only been dating for a month. You have slept together before you had a chance to establish much of a dating and communication pattern.

Sex changes everything

The experience of sexual intimacy usually changes things for everyone involved. Women often become more attached and tend to feel a need to create a closer bond. And men are likely to need some distance as they consider the long-term impact of potentially becoming intimate.

Like many men, Jim probably needs some time to be on his own before he feels free to continue to pursue you. And, you need to allow him the space to figure out what he wants, rather than initiating direct contact. with him As long as you’re seeking him out, he has no reason to get in touch with you.

How to handle him backing off

Stop initiating contact. Accept that he’s likely to have a different sense of timing than you than you might want. And, if you pressure him into making a decision, you are likely to lose him as a romantic partner

When he wants to get in touch with you, he’ll do so. Don’t hesitate to respond to his calls, texts and emails in a positive manner.

Don’t quiz him about how he feels or why he’s pulling back—if he doesn’t volunteer that information, it means he either doesn’t know or is unwilling to share.

How to become more comfortable with uncertainty

While women are most likely to share their feelings by talking, most men express what is going on inside by how they behave. So, if he’s taking things more slowly, it may mean that you need to back off emotionally.

Shift your focus from Jim to the other things in your life. Don’t wait for him to take action before you make plans with friends. Participate in activities that bring you joy. Don’t behave as if you are in a committed, long-term relationship when you are only exploring that possibility.

If not knowing where you stand makes you anxious, redirect your energy. Go for a walk or run, take an activity class—such as dancing or sports—that includes exercise, or become involved in something else that interests you.

Continue to be romantically available

Continue to date and explore potential relationships with other men, unless you and Jim have already verbally agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship. If that is the case, I suggest that you get to know other men as platonic friends while he figures out what he wants.

You can never tell where a dating relationship is likely to lead during the first few months. In the meantime, your best bet is to allow Jim to set the pace.

Dear Annie, I spent the last several years in a long-distance relationship that didn't work out. At first, we believed that we were perfect for each other. But he gradually pulled away and it took me more than a year to realize that there was no way that he would ever come back.

This has reawakened my desire to find love. I don't want to become involved with the wrong man yet again. I'm fifty-two. I worry that I don't have a lot of time left before I'm no longer attractive enough to date. Sheila

Sheila, The good news is that you don't have to worry about becoming too old to find love. A recent Match.com study reported that people over fifty are the fastest growing online dating demographic.

Your belief that your options are limited may cause you to settle for a man who looks good on paper, but who isn't available for the long-term. Instead, focus on getting to know men over time before allowing yourself to become emotionally involved with one man.

Often, when a passionate relationship ends it can leave you feeling hyper-vigilant. One of the legacies of your recent romance is that you may have become so risk-averse that the thought of taking the chances needed in order to find love could feel terrifying.

One of the keys to successful dating is being able to embrace all its uncertainty. Until you know where a relationship is going, keep all of your options open. Continue to meet new men, whether you're online, taking classes or participating in various activities.

There is no way to guarantee that you can avoid pain. But, you can minimize your chances.

Being interested in someone you just met is healthy. Investing your love in someone who hasn't shown you that he'll treat you well is not.

Dating is about not knowing the ending and remaining calm while you navigate the ups and downs. Adopt the attitude that you are a detective who is investigating whether a man is a good fit for you.

Ask yourself a lot of questions before you get to the emotional point of no return:

• Does he mean what he says?
• Does he like you or does he just want to have sex with you?
• Are you the only one he's seeing, or is he a player?Does he want the same kind of relationship you do and does he want it with you?
• How do you feel about him?
• What might you feel like you owe him at any part of the dating process?
• Fill in the blank: What else do you need to know about how he feels about you and how he treats you before you feel it's safe to give him your heart?

Once you approach dating in this manner, it becomes easier to be confident and friendly. Look at dates as opportunities to discover how you interact with someone you don't know well. Rather than deciding if a man is "the one" right away, take time to become acquainted with different men.

Letting go of preconceived attitudes about love, dating and men, while keeping your wits about you is one of the keys to discovering love.

He's not ready for a relationship

Dear Annie, I just had a difficult conversation with Jill. We dated for a couple of months, and she asked where our relationship was going. I reminded her that I told her, on our first date, that I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

She wants an emotional commitment before they sleep together

Dear Annie, Where can I meet a man who is not in a hurry to have sex? I tell the men I date that I need an emotional commitment beforehand. But if I don't sleep with them after a few dates, they break up with me. Stephanie

Did his distancing behavior end their relationship?

Dear Annie, When my boyfriend, Stan, asked me to move in, I thought that I could handle his occasional uncommunicative moods.

OKCupid, a fast-growing online dating site has been mining their data to produce some interesting studies. They recently studied their largest demographic, the 18-39 group, and came up with this study. It's a fun, friendly site, which is now attracting daters of all ages.

Alyssa has her sights set on her coworker, Jeff. They are just friends, but she's spent a great deal of time thinking about what kind of a boyfriend he would be. She loves their lighthearted, flirtatious banter, and imagines that their romantic life will follow suite. She is sure that they will have an effortless, passionate love life, filled with humor and fun times.

Dear Annie, After months of searching, I finally met someone (Josh) I really like online. Our first date lasted for several hours because we have so much in common. He called that evening, and we talked even more.

Dear Annie, I recently met a wonderful woman. We went on three great dates in a couple of weeks, each better than the last. She had to leave town for several days for a business trip after our last date. When she returned a couple of days ago, I called and left a message, but she didn't call me back. I texted her a couple of times, and she waited a whole day to answer. Friends say I should give her a break, and call again, but I feel that if she didn't like me enough to return my call right away, that I should forget it. What do you think I should do? Bernie

Dear Annie, My friends keep telling me that I'm too picky. But when it comes to finding true love, I think that it's really important to get exactly what you want. I think that my marriage failed because I didn't choose the right person.