Annie's Dating Blog

You've finally met someone you find attractive, fun and flirty. Conversation flows effortlessly between the two of you. Your connection is magnetic, and it feels natural to gravitate towards sex. That's when things start to get confusing.

If you're a man, you're likely to want to go for it.

If you're a woman, you're interested, but you're probably wondering whether it's too soon. Maybe you don't want to put him off in case it will cause him to reject you. Or, perhaps you can't figure out if he's only interested in you for sex. 

Men and women see chemistry and attraction differently

• When a man feels great chemistry, it means that he's physically attracted--he wants to have sex. Additionally, it may mean that he's attracted to a woman's personality and wants to explore a deeper connection. During the first few dates, it's almost impossible for her to tell the difference. This is because he knows that he must charm her with romance if he wants to increase his chances of having sex.
• For most women, great chemistry means that she feels a physical and emotional attraction. She'll want to have sex because she finds him irresistible: she likes his personality, finds him fun and engaging, and is likely to want to explore a possible future.

Just for men

• Men are more likely to be successful in seducing a woman if he takes it slowly and properly interprets her "I want to be closer signals" before taking the next step. Timing is everything
• If he wants to stay out of the Friend-Zone, he needs to let her know that he's romantically interested from the start. Flirty, respectful touching lets her know you're intrigued.  Avoid hovering. Leave her wanting more.

How to tell if he's only interested in you for sex

• A man is physically wired to want to have sex with a woman he finds attractive. If he's not interested, he won't ask her out. When he pursues her sexually, he's not misbehaving or being a creep, he's being a man. It's up to her to decide whether or not to move forward. 
• A woman often tells a man what she's looking for during a first or second date. If he's only sexually attracted, she has just told him what she wants to hear--and he may use her words to seduce her. He may not consciously try to deceive her--but his sex drive may convince him that it's a good idea.
• A man usually weaves his truth into a conversation early on. "I'm probably not ready for a relationship." "I'm not sure what I want." He's not likely to mention it again because he thinks that she's accepted his limitations. If a woman believes that he'll change his mind later she's likely to pave the way for pain, drama and uncertainty.
• As a man ages, he's more likely to have a greater degree of control over his sexual impulses. It's not that he doesn't desire sex. He's more likely to consider consequences.

It's up to a woman to discover his intentions and act accordingly

If she thinks about her previous relationships and explores how having sex influenced future decisions, she'll be better able to set her own boundaries:

• After having sex, do her feelings usually change from attraction to attachment? If so, she should put off sex until she's sure he's exploring the kind of relationship she wants. She'll usually figure it out after five to eight dates. If he's only interested in sex, he'll be long-gone.
• What does she automatically expect after having sex? That she's in a relationship? That it's OK to date others? That she can expect more from him? It's a mistake for a woman to assume that having sex will change anything for him.
• What caused her to reach the point of no return? Kissing? Petting over clothes? Under clothes? Take it from there... It's best if she doesn't allow him to get to that point until she's satisfied that they're moving towards a mutually beneficial relationship.

Don't believe sex and dating myths

There are too many to mention in one blog post, so here are a couple of them.

• Myth: If she doesn't have sex by the third date, he will reject her.
• Fact: Holding off on sex until later is a great way to discover if he only wants her for her body. If his goal is only to have sex, she'll have to say good-bye as he pursues easier pickings. If he cares for her, he'll continue to pursue her sexually, while being patient while she makes up her mind.

• Myth: If they share a great sex life, he will go from being only physically attracted to falling in love with her.
• Fact: Men fall in love for entirely different reasons. Sex is important, but he can enjoy a fantastic sex life without falling in love.

Play it safe

• Don't avoid the STD talk. Have the discussion in a situation that's not sexually charged. It's best if it's at a natural parting point: at the end of a meal, walk, etc. so that it's easy to leave if one of you needs to think about it.
• No matter what your age, insist on using condoms until you've been tested, after being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship for at least three months.

Understanding how the opposite sex experiences sexual attraction gives you the tools to make confident decisions as you become more intimate.

Sex has a way of changing everything. Enjoy the journey.

Dear Annie, I’ve been dating Jim for a month.  I slept with him on the third date. Ever since then, he’s been backing off and contacting me less often than he was previously.

Do I continue to get in touch with him as if nothing happened? Or should I wait until he reaches out to me?  How can I tell if he is feeling as uncertain as I am? Carol

Feeling uncertain is part of dating

Dear Carol, It’s likely—and appropriate—that both of you are feeling uncertain about where your relationship is headed. After all, you’ve only been dating for a month. You have slept together before you had a chance to establish much of a dating and communication pattern.

Sex changes everything

The experience of sexual intimacy usually changes things for everyone involved. Women often become more attached and tend to feel a need to create a closer bond. And men are likely to need some distance as they consider the long-term impact of potentially becoming intimate.

Like many men, Jim probably needs some time to be on his own before he feels free to continue to pursue you. And, you need to allow him the space to figure out what he wants, rather than initiating direct contact. with him As long as you’re seeking him out, he has no reason to get in touch with you.

How to handle him backing off

Stop initiating contact. Accept that he’s likely to have a different sense of timing than you than you might want. And, if you pressure him into making a decision, you are likely to lose him as a romantic partner

When he wants to get in touch with you, he’ll do so. Don’t hesitate to respond to his calls, texts and emails in a positive manner.

Don’t quiz him about how he feels or why he’s pulling back—if he doesn’t volunteer that information, it means he either doesn’t know or is unwilling to share.

How to become more comfortable with uncertainty

While women are most likely to share their feelings by talking, most men express what is going on inside by how they behave. So, if he’s taking things more slowly, it may mean that you need to back off emotionally.

Shift your focus from Jim to the other things in your life. Don’t wait for him to take action before you make plans with friends. Participate in activities that bring you joy. Don’t behave as if you are in a committed, long-term relationship when you are only exploring that possibility.

If not knowing where you stand makes you anxious, redirect your energy. Go for a walk or run, take an activity class—such as dancing or sports—that includes exercise, or become involved in something else that interests you.

Continue to be romantically available

Continue to date and explore potential relationships with other men, unless you and Jim have already verbally agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship. If that is the case, I suggest that you get to know other men as platonic friends while he figures out what he wants.

You can never tell where a dating relationship is likely to lead during the first few months. In the meantime, your best bet is to allow Jim to set the pace.

She wants an emotional commitment before they sleep together

Dear Annie, Where can I meet a man who is not in a hurry to have sex? I tell the men I date that I need an emotional commitment beforehand. But if I don't sleep with them after a few dates, they break up with me. Stephanie

Annie, I found with online dating that the pic did not match the person when I met them. When we started to email, most emailed a couple of times, then faded away. It's really difficult to meet someone in person - sometimes they just don't show up.