Dear Annie, I’ve been dating Jim for a month. I slept with him on the third date. Ever since then, he’s been backing off and contacting me less often than he was previously.
Do I continue to get in touch with him as if nothing happened? Or should I wait until he reaches out to me? How can I tell if he is feeling as uncertain as I am? Carol
Feeling uncertain is part of dating
Dear Carol, It’s likely—and appropriate—that both of you are feeling uncertain about where your relationship is headed. After all, you’ve only been dating for a month. You have slept together before you had a chance to establish much of a dating and communication pattern.
Sex changes everything
The experience of sexual intimacy usually changes things for everyone involved. Women often become more attached and tend to feel a need to create a closer bond. And men are likely to need some distance as they consider the long-term impact of potentially becoming intimate.
Like many men, Jim probably needs some time to be on his own before he feels free to continue to pursue you. And, you need to allow him the space to figure out what he wants, rather than initiating direct contact. with him As long as you’re seeking him out, he has no reason to get in touch with you.
How to handle him backing off
Stop initiating contact. Accept that he’s likely to have a different sense of timing than you than you might want. And, if you pressure him into making a decision, you are likely to lose him as a romantic partner
When he wants to get in touch with you, he’ll do so. Don’t hesitate to respond to his calls, texts and emails in a positive manner.
Don’t quiz him about how he feels or why he’s pulling back—if he doesn’t volunteer that information, it means he either doesn’t know or is unwilling to share.
How to become more comfortable with uncertainty
While women are most likely to share their feelings by talking, most men express what is going on inside by how they behave. So, if he’s taking things more slowly, it may mean that you need to back off emotionally.
Shift your focus from Jim to the other things in your life. Don’t wait for him to take action before you make plans with friends. Participate in activities that bring you joy. Don’t behave as if you are in a committed, long-term relationship when you are only exploring that possibility.
If not knowing where you stand makes you anxious, redirect your energy. Go for a walk or run, take an activity class—such as dancing or sports—that includes exercise, or become involved in something else that interests you.
Continue to be romantically available
Continue to date and explore potential relationships with other men, unless you and Jim have already verbally agreed that you are in an exclusive relationship. If that is the case, I suggest that you get to know other men as platonic friends while he figures out what he wants.
You can never tell where a dating relationship is likely to lead during the first few months. In the meantime, your best bet is to allow Jim to set the pace.