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Dear Annie,
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 months, and everything is going really well when we're together. We have an amazing time. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man--smart, funny, energetic, loving, and nice looking to boot. When we first met, I was careful letting him into my life. I didn't want to take it too fast, but he was very persistent and pursued me with a passion. After my initial reluctance, I had to admit that I was thrilled to have him in my life. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.
The problem is that a couple of weeks ago, his passion seemed to cool down. When we first met, he called me daily. Now, he's calling to plan our weekend, but not staying on the phone very long, and calls me briefly a couple of other days, saying that he's "busy with work". He leaves early on Sunday mornings because he has to work. Now, this could be true, but the problem is that this started shortly after we started sleeping together. I'm worried that he might be a commitment-phobic, but I don't know how to ask. I really care for him, and I'll do what it takes to keep him around. We have such a great time together that I'm sure he feels the same way, but he may just not know how to handle it.
Please help! Nancy
Annie Replies:
Dear Nancy,
It's wonderful when we meet someone who sweeps us off our feet. It's a great feeling, and it's easy to get carried away with what we think should be happening, rather than what is really happening now. Let's face it; maybe he really is going through a temporary crunch at work. Have you asked him what is going on at work? You could talk about how difficult it is to limit the time that work demands in order to preserve personal time, and see how he responds.
I'm also a great believer in protecting your emotional self with reality checks. It's tough, because sometimes they show us things that we don't want to see. It's all about how the two of you are relating. How much is your relationship grounded in reality? Have you talked about what you want? For example, have you told him that you are in the market for a serious committed relationship, and not a romantic fling? If so, how did he respond? Has he introduced you to friends and family, or is it just the two of you in a romantic hideaway? Are you developing a friendship where you can really be yourself, or are both of you on your "best behavior"? Does he make near-future plans and follow through?
Don't do "whatever it takes to keep him around". It's a recipe for disaster. Remember playing "tag" when you were a kid? Whoever was "it" ran like the dickens towards everyone else, who did all they could to escape. It works like that in adult life, as well.
Mirror his distance. Don't be any more available than he is. If you don't have a verbal exclusivity commitment, start meeting and going out with other men--even get on a dating website. You will be more confident if you feel that he is one of several possibilities. How he responds will speak volumes.
Good luck, Nancy--I wish you the best in this difficult situation.
Annie
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