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Dear Annie,
My friends keep telling me that I'm too picky. But when it comes to finding true love, I think that it's really important to get exactly what you want. I think that my marriage failed because I didn't choose the right person.
I'm a great catch. I'm very attractive, smart, in great shape, witty, sexy, etc. I have a beautiful home, successful career and lots of interesting friends. I've worked hard to get all of this put together. Now, I'm ready to have a man in my life. The trouble is, I'm not finding too many age-appropriate guys who meet my (justifiably) high standards. Where are they? Why should I settle for less?
Cynthia
Annie Replies
Dear Cynthia,
First - when it comes to love, we do the best we can with the information we have. People get married, grow and change. No one expects to get divorced - yet half of us do. No list, no matter how exacting and well thought-out is going to change that. But looking at what's important to our hearts can make a huge difference.
So, lets talk about what it means to be in an established relationship. You trust and respect each other with your hearts, your feelings. You have many conversations, do things together and apart. You negotiate how and which parts of your lives will fit together. When bad things happen, you help each other. And on and on.
I would never advise "settling"when it comes to core values. Honesty, integrity, intelligence - what is inside a potential partner - those are key to a relationship's success. Why do you want this person in your life? I explored this issue with one of my clients, and she realized that in the end, she wanted a great friend who shared her values, with whom she could share conversations, companionship and lovemaking.
Qualities like "tall, dark, handsome, great sense of humor, loves to (you name it)" etc. are icing on the cake. Yet many people rule out totally acceptable potential partners on the grounds that these criteria are not met. What if he's a great guy, but there's no chemistry? Chemistry CAN be created - especially with someone who we like in the first place. I'll be giving a workshop on that topic in the near future.
By the way, one of the ways that you can eliminate a lot of fabulous guys is by having a requirement that a guy is quite tall. Did you know that the average man’s height in the US is 5’9.1” tall – and it’s an inch or so shorter for men over 40. If your profile says that he has to be 5’8” or taller, you are effectively eliminating at least 50% of all available men out there without even talking to them!
Single, age appropriate men are everywhere! Contact me, and I'll show you how to find them.
Best of luck, Annie
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