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Dear Annie, Is it OK for a woman to ask a man out? I’ve seen “Joe” at several San Francisco business networking events and I enjoy his company. He’s smart, charming and has a great sense of humor. He’s been divorced for two or three years, and spends a lot of time working –just like I do. I would love to get to know him better. How do I ask him out? Thanks, Suzie
Annie replies:
Dear Suzie, It’s rarely a good idea for a woman to ask a man out. On the other hand, it’s fine for you to open the playing field for him to ask you out if he’s interested.
Although sexually defined roles have changed, some social rituals, such as those involved with courtship, appear to be somewhat hard-wired. Men usually take on the role of pursuer, and can perceive women who ask them out as being desperate. On the other hand, men often like to know that their overtures will be welcome.
Think about it this way: If you were the only person who was initially pursuing the relationship, it wouldn’t feel right to you. You’d want him to woo you. If you ask him out for the first date, you would expect him to take it from there, if he is interested. You wouldn’t want to be the one to initiate most phone calls and future dates. Frequently, men tend to lose interest when that happens.
However, if he asks you out first, you would expect him to initiate the next few dates and most phone calls. This ritual would be likely to leave both of you feeling more comfortable. As your relationship becomes more established, you become increasingly free to initiate contact.
This doesn’t mean that you have to passively wait for his call. Women have always had the ability to signal their interest in a man, leaving it to him to determine whether or not he pursues her. We no longer drop handkerchiefs in their path, as we would have in the nineteenth century, but the idea is the same.
For example, you could tell him that you are interested in trying new wine bars. Pause, and give him a couple of seconds to think. Be sure to smile and have a twinkle in your eyes. (If you don’t know how, practice in a mirror.) Face him; use friendly, open body language: such as having your palms up. Ask him if he has been to the XYZ wine bar. If he has, ask for his opinion. Tell him that you’re thinking about trying it soon. Pause, and repeat the body language. If he doesn’t get the hint, and ask you out, simply continue the conversation, speaking about whatever comes next; such as mentioning your friends who told you about wine bar. After a couple of minutes, flirtatiously excuse yourself, in the hope of leaving him wanting more.
It might take a man some time to figure out that you’re interested, and decide that he wants to pursue you. He’ll follow through if he likes you. If he doesn’t, you are no worse of than you would have been if you had asked him out.
If you appear confident, playful and light, as you invite further contact, men will be motivated to ask you out. The ones who don’t are sending you the message that they aren’t interested. Here's to a great love life! Annie
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